IraSez

I have a confession to make. I am not a morning person. There, I’ve finally admitted this publicly. Actually, it’s really no big secret. Linda will tell you I’m one lazy shit when it comes to crawling out of bed most every morning. Hey, it’s not like I commute into the city. Sleeping late is one of the many benefits of having your office 2 miles from you house.

Anyone who has ever heard one of my many Iraisms knows that my favorite one is “There used to be 3 things that got me up before dawn: Skiing, golf and sex. Now there’s only golf.” Unfortunately, middle age has added a new twist to that statement. It’s now golf and my bladder. Most nights (or mornings depending on how you look at things), right around 4 or 5 AM, the urge hits, I stumble out of bed, into the bathroom, relieve the urge and stumble right back into bed.

Lately, this is where the trouble begins. Getting to sleep at night doesn’t seem to be an issue but getting back to sleep after the late night/early morning jaunt to El Juan is. Toss, turn, toss some more, look at the clock, turn some more, side, back, front, upside down, look at the clock, again. It’s like something a well choreographed scene out of A Chorus Line – Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch…Again!

Now the problem is I not only do I now I’m going to wake up but now I worry about getting back to sleep. I even worry about getting back to sleep before I go to sleep in the first place.  And when I do wake-up, my head spins round and round like a top.  Work stuff, ideas for client projects, am I going loony, what should I write my next blog on and why don’t I write more often, is this male menopause, I wonder how my folks are doing, I wonder how my kids are doing, I wonder what the hell I’m doing up at this hour and how does Linda sleep through my all this?

I guess this is just another one of life’s phases that is now part of the nightly routine. I really preferred it when sex was one of the options of that “got me up before dawn.”

As I stated a few months back, I often have thoughts/ideas for a post but just have enough to go with or can’t completely wrap my head (warped though it may be) around an idea. So I like to post shorter, random thoughts from time to time. Now is one of these times.

Just had my annual physical. My doctor suggested I see the dermatologist, just to check on things (a.k.a age spots). A few days later, my lab results came in and I have a slight Vitamin D deficiency. The solution, get more sun, which is strange because I think I get plenty of sun and was just in Florida a few weekends ago. Knowing my dermatologist, he will tell me to wear plenty of sunblock when I’m outdoors. I’m so confused (more than usual).

I like to take Cosmo for walks in the reservation behind Old Short Hills Park near where we live. Most of the dogs are very well behaved and are running around off leash. Occasionally she will get into a little barking match with a dog, usually one that is poorly trained and is therefore on a leash. Inevitable that dog owner barks (get it) at me for having my dog off leash. My reaction is to pull Cosmo away and walk off but what I’m thinking is “f@#^ you you idiot. If it’s my dog’s fault, why isn’t my dog on a leash.” I’d like to put a choker collar on some of these idiots. Wuff.

What the hell is wrong with Pennsylvania highways? I started driving from the NY metro area to Syracuse through Pennsylvania in the fall of 1979, which was the beginning of my sophomore year. My strongest memory of that first trip was the hour it took me to get from the 12 miles from Water Gap to 380 because of the construction. Yesterday I picked up my son as he just finished his sophomore year there. Not construction on 80 but 2 sections on 81 north of Scranton, which is better than the 4 sections of construction that were on 81 in 2007 when my daughter Allie was entering her freshman year at SU. That normally 3-1/2 hour drive home took over 5 hours. If you don’t there is something seriously wrong with the infrastructure in our country, I give you exhibit A, the highways of Pennsylvania.

I have no idea what is causing all this insane weather but I’m sure Mother Nature is getting a good laugh. Had the AC on in April but had to turn the heat back on May. Well actually, Linda turned the heat back on. My rule is the heat goes off for good no later than April 15th and stays off until October. I’ve added that to my list of things that Linda doesn’t really pay attention to me about but why she should be different than everyone else.

As many of you know, I make no secret about things that bother me when it comes to air travel. Boarding procedures, carry on luggage, folks who probably should buy 2 seats, whatever craziness that comes with being on a commercial airplane.

Yesterday, Linda and I were traveling back home from a long weekend visiting my folks in the Jewish Virgin Islands, a.k.a. Palm Beach County. While we were in the boarding area waiting to get on the plane, a woman at the next counter was carrying on an animated conversation with the gate attendant. I couldn’t hear what she was saying from that distance but I could hear a little, yippie yappie dog making plenty of noise. If you were watching, it almost appeared that the woman’s voice was in sync with the dogs, which made me smile inside and gave me an idea for a blog post, just wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it. It didn’t take much longer before I had my answer.

After several minutes of chewing the gate attendant’s ear off, the woman was escorted from the gate by airport security. By the way, airport security was walking around with a labrador retriver, a real dog who was very well behaved.  Anyway…as she passed us, I saw that it was her little, yippie yappie dog that was actually making all that racket and that she was carrying the dog in some sort of shopping bag….a doggie bag. She (the woman, not the dog) was barking (yes, I know) at the security guard the whole time she walked next to him. It was from this one sided conversation that I was able to determine that the airline had informed her that she couldn’t carry her doggie in the bag on the plane. That she needed an approved airline kennel carrier that would fit under her seat as with any other piece of carry on luggage. From the tone of her voice, it sounded like this all had come to news to her.

Now, I have questions about this whole episode:
1. How the hell did this woman get through airport security without her dog in the proper container?
2.  Why would this woman think that she could carry her dog onto a plane in a shopping bag?
3. What happens when a dog needs to take care of business while flying? Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I really want the answer to that one.
4. Why is that it’s always the little dogs that make the most annoying little yaps, yips and yelps? I’m sure there were more than a few folks in the terminal that just wanted that yappie little bitch to shut up….I mean the dog….not the woman…well maybe both.

Last Sunday I spent some time at the driving range prepping myself for the pending golf season. It was a cool, cloudy day and the range was fairly empty, so I took a spot with some empty booths around me. As usual, the driving range was a great spot for observations and inspiration.

A few minutes after I arrived, a father with his 2 young boys in tow arrived. The boys were probably 6 and 3. I should have known I was in trouble when the first words I heard the father utter to his younger son was “don’t walk in front of the booth. If you do, you will get a spanking.” I kid you not and it didn’t take long for me to realize that my time at the range was not going to quite as planned.

For those of you that don’t golf, the driving range is usually treated like a library for golfers. You go there to study and work on your game. People talk but usually quietly and respectful of other golfers. You don’t really go to the range to hear kids screaming “Dad, I want something to drink dad”, “Hey dad, did you see my shot dad?”, “dad, watch me dad, watch me!” I know golfers say they need to learn how to play under adverse conditions but this was brutal. My solution was to scream “shit” louder than usual after any bad shots or glare at the kids when they got overly loud but my strategy didn’t work all that well, mostly because I didn’t hit many bad shots and the kids didn’t really care about my glaring at them. I must be losing my touch.

Eventually, “dad” and his boys left. I think even dad had enough of them. In the meantime, on the other side of my booth, a couple of duffers of the Indian persuasion (as in India the IT phone support capital of the world not native Americans) moved in. Before I get to them, a little about my game. My current USGA handicap is 10.4. Again, going back to you non-golfers, the handicap system helps you gauge your game against the course you are playing and other golfers. The average golfer is about a 15 handicap, so I’m a better than average golfer on most days. Other days, let’s just say golf can be a very frustrating sport.

As for the the 2 fellows next to me, one of these guys seemed to think he was a PGA teaching pro. I watched a couple of his shots and he consistently hit the ball about 150 yards…75 yards out and 75 yards to the right, all at about 5 to 10 feet off the ground. Bad grip, bad backswing, bad results but good enough for him to be giving the other guy lessons. If this wasn’t so pathetic, it would have been comical. I take that back, it was both…pathetic and comical. One other thing. One of those guys (if not both) was wearing a whole bottle of some really cheap cologne. What is the deal with that? Were these guys descendants from a long line of 3rd world cab drivers?

But I digress. After a couple of “teaching moments,” I had to do everything I possibly could not to laugh out loud. As I said, I’m a better than average golfer (which this guy was not) but I know enough not to give anyone advice on their golf game. Make fun of their game, sure. Advice…not so much. Unfortunately, this is an all too common occurrence at the driving range, as it is in many other sporting activities. I really wanted to take one look at this guy and say “Excuse me, is your name Tiger Patel cuz from what I see you can barely play golf let alone teach it.” However, I didn’t want to damage international relations or get into it with with someone who had a golf club in his hand (not that he knew what to do with it), so I kept quiet, finished my bucket and walked away.

Wasn’t quite the relaxing hour I had in mind but golf rarely is. This Sunday at 9:20 the real fun begins as I have my first tee time of 2012 season. Thankfully, there won’t be any little kids around to hear my screaming “fore” and a few other four letter words.

Went out for a walk to the bank today. I like to say you get your best material simply by observing the world around you and here’s what I came up with today.

First, the weather is completely screwed up.  It’s the end of February and it’s got to be close to 60 degrees outside. Not that I miss it but I’ve only had to shovel twice and one of those was after the freak October snowstorm. As for the snowblower, haven’t touched it. In the past week, I’ve actually seen a few moths starting to fly about. Can’t wait to see the size of the bugs that come out this spring.

Let’s move on to some really bad shit and by shit, I mean goose shit. A block from my office is Taylor Park. Today was so nice I took a slight detour on my walk back from the bank and went through the park. Oh gross! The softball field and other areas are covered with goose shit. In another couple of weeks, children of all ages will be running around on those fields and than they will be covered in goose shit. Someone needs to figure out a way to keep the geese off the fields so that they don’t become one big turd. We have enough of those in New Jersey as it is.

Going back to an all too familiar IraSez rant but cell phone usage while driving a car isn’t going away any time soon. As a matter of fact, I think it’s reaching epidemic proportions. If the town and the state want to make easy money, all they have to do is up the ante on cell phone restrictions and enforce the law. Have the cops stand on the corner of Millburn and Main, point at the offenders and you’d catch them by the dozens. Has to be easier than chasing them down on the highways. Think of all the gas we’d be saving and than I wouldn’t have to worry so much about getting caught when I’m driving too fast on the highways, which is pretty much all the time (and yes, I see the hypocrisy in that argument).  And mom, please don’t tell dad I wrote that.

And today’s final observation is brought to by those spandex clad females of Millburn & Short Hills who have taken up residence at Fly Wheel, the new spinning class center in town. I must admit seeing all those sweaty woman in spandex every morning always makes me giggle and I know there’s a really good blog post in there somewhere. I just need to figure out a way to protect the names of the innocent (including my spandex biking short clad rabbi which was oh so weird seeing that one). Today on Millburn Avenue, one of the spandex clad spinning set came walking out of Fly Wheel and lit up her cigarette. Reminded me of the scene in Annie Hall where Woody is visiting his doctor who is smoking a cigarette during the examination. I guess everyone has their compromises and rationales, for which I’m very thankful. Gives me something to make fun of them for.

I’m watching TV last night when a car commercial comes on for the 2013 piss me off automobile. We are now in the 8th week of 2012 and automobile companies are already saying that a new car is the “2013 model.” Isn’t that rushing things a bit? I mean we are only 20% through 2012, many people are still writing 2011 on their checks and the automotive industry has already decided this year is going to suck so bad that they want to skip right over it. Talk about your downer attitudes.

I never understood the logic as to why car companies pull this shit but I’ve come up with a few theories as to why they think it might be a good idea:

1. Automotive marketing executives think all car buyers are idiots who don’t know what day it is, let alone what year.
2. The car companies think there new car design is so radically different than anything else the car buying public has ever seen that they won’t notice they’ve skipped a whole year.
3. It’s actually a psychology quiz to see if you are actually paying any attention. If you go in and ask for the 2012 model they will actually sell you the new 2013 model at this year’s price (or maybe they will sell you the 2011 model at next year’s price).
4. It’s a conspiracy and they are doing it just to piss me off because I think that’s the way the world should work.
5. And finally the “This Is Spinal Tap” theory…you know “this one goes to 11.” Think about it but if you need any help: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbVKWCpNFhY

Well, I’m glad I got that off my chest. Time to get back to surfing ebay. I hear the new 2013 model golf clubs are coming out and I need to get a job on next year’s golf game.

This morning started off bright and Orange. Honestly think that half the riders on this morning’s NJ Transit midtown direct train from Millburn were SU fans on their way to the game. If I had started a “let’s go Orange” cheer, pretty sure I would have gotten a good response.

Now let’s talk about the crowd in the Garden today. Holy moly, was it ever Orange. I have been going to SU games in MSG for 3o years and have never seen a crowd like this one.  You hope for 60/40 but today it looked and sounded more like 80/20, and it was pretty much a sell-out thanks to the sea of Orange supporters. Heard rumors of $30 tickets selling online for over $150. That’s crazy but the crowd was totally awesome.

Not only was it a huge Orange crowd but they were actually selling SU clothing in the gift shops.  And it wasn’t just one item. There were several SU items on sell. You gotta think the “home team” wasn’t too happy about that but credit the folks at The Garden for knowing who the real audience was.

As for the game, another impressive victory and certainly a total team effort, with more than 1/2 our points coming from the best 2nd team in college basketball. Fab is back, MCW picked the big spotlight for his best game to date and an oh my god a monster dunk for the ages, Dion was finally Dion again with a great spinmve and another oh my god monster dunk (which came right after MCWs), and the professor moved into a tie for 3rd all time with his 879th win. All in all, it was a good day to be Orange.

On the downside of things, our pending move to the ACC will take away our regular season visits to our home from the dome. Pretty sure we will figure out some way to get into the garden during the early part of the season but an annual game in the garden would be nice. Say against a former Big East rival. So, Dr. Gross, if you are listening, as I suggested to you in a previous conversation, how about call your friend at that school in Washington DC and tell him you think The Garden is the perfect “neutral site” venue to continue our rivalry. As for what The Garden really is, I promise not to tell if you won’t.