Believe it or not, I seriously considered calling this blog “ToesAreUgly.com” and other social observations, for the very simple reason that – for the most part – toes are ugly. Feet too in many, if not most, cases. For the start of summer, I thought it was time to write about this theme as we are going to be seeing much more toes and feets over the next few months. I am going to break this post down in to 2 sections: Woman and man.
OK ladies, you first. You can shave them, you can wax, you can buff them, you can paint them but you can’t hide the damaged caused by what you do to them on daily basis. You take your poor toes and shove them into teeny tiny pointy little shoes and boots. Those poor toes and feet come out of those teeny tiny pointy little shoes and boots all chafed, scraped, bumped, bruised, toes all curled into un-natural positions to the point where it sometimes looks like you only have 4 toes…in extreme cases, only 3. After years of this abuse you get bunyons, corns, in-grown toenails and god knows what the hell those things are that grow on the sides of your feet that look like golf balls.
So you get your full service pedi complete with a foot bath, foot massage, waxing, buffing, de-scruffing and a fresh coat of paint. Than you walk out into the world in flip-flops with your toes wrapped in tissue paper and your feet screaming “look at me…I just got a pedi.” This not only draws attention to you but draws attention to your feet. People walking by you think “she just spent all that money on her toes and they still look like shit!” And you even do this in winter when no one sees your feet anyway but it is an easy way of saying “hey, look at me.” Maybe a pedi is just your way of looking for attention.
What price beauty. Ladies, I hate to break to you but it ain’t working. No body part can take that kind of abuse and not look…well…abused and your feet are abused, no matter how pretty your toenail polish is. The next time someone tells you how nice your toes and/or feet look, don’t believe them. Just deal with the fact that toes (and feet) are ugly and there is nothing you can do can change that.
Guys, don’t think you are getting off unscathed. I hardly ever wear flip flops. Why? I tell you why…my toes are ugly! I hide those bad boys in moccasins, socks, whatever but they are not for public consumption. However, I have many male friends who do wear flip flops and all I have to say is “gross.” Most men I know have hairy toes and feet,which hardly ever get any kind of beautification (except for my friend Richard who I caught getting a pedi on Millburn Avenue and he was not thrilled to see me). Many of my friends have more hair on their toes and feet than they do on their heads (and you know who you are). Imagine the pain of getting those things cleaned up and that’s why guys just want do it. So guys, do me a favor, hide those hairy beasts whenever possible. I know many of you think flip flops and those open toed walking shoes are just oh so comfy but society is better off without those things being flashed in public.
And don’t get me started on people who walk around flashing their toes and toenails with all kinds of diseases growing on them. You maybe a fun guy but we don’t want to see your fungi.